One of the traits of trauma is identity crisis. One of the things people who suffered trauma do is to disassociate from who they were before the trauma to an alternative personality. I do not need to be a psychiatrist to know this, because this was my experience. Depending on the type of trauma one has experienced, it is common to adopt to a persona in order to cope, survive, or to suppress the trauma. In order to fully live a healed, thriving life one must go back to the core of who they were before the trauma. This requires to go on a self-discovery journey in order to discover one’s true identity. It is also important to uncover what is truth and what is an illusion stemming from trauma. In this post I am talking about how my journey of healing, self-discovery, finding truth, and identity.
The Journey to Healing
The healing journey is not easy in a sense that no one wants to re-live things that hurt them. Second no one wants to find that they have been living a lie, and breaking that illusion can be painful. Third the idea of starting all over or having to change is not ideal to many. It takes courage to embark on a healing journey, however the journey is like a rollercoaster. There are hills and valleys, and no guarantee on how long the journey will take, or how much time one will spend in the valley, or time spent climbing hills. However, there is power in truth! The truth will definitely set you free. I guess the question to ask yourself is, do I want to continue live in an illusion that could shutter any moment, or do you want to have a foundation that is solid and whatever I build on it, will stand forever?
My Story
For as long as I can remember, I struggled to fit in. Even when I was a child in my homeland, I was an outsider. I was shy, unpopular, and often bullied. My mind set back then was of black and white, never gray. For as long as I can remember, I have been wondering who I am, and why I am here. My identity crisis got deeper as I got older and as I attempted to trace my ancestry and where they came from. I was trying to understand why the Rwandan Genocide happened 28 years ago this April month of 2022 and took almost all of my family including my mother and sister. Additionally, I never knew who my father was, so this had left a part of me void. With these challenges of not being able to know who my lineage is, I also ended up in a foreign land. I had to adopt to a culture, language, and lifestyle to fit in. Slowly over time, I started to lose myself up until, after my daughter’s birth about five years ago today where I started to ask questions. Lets just say there has been a lot of tears, and sleepless nights with new revelations.
Most Common Answers to Identity Questions
If someone asked you today “Who are you”? What would your answers be? I bet you would start with your name, then move into your life roles, like you are a father or a mother, a sister, or a daughter, etc… once pressed into the question, you will more likely start looking a little deeper, the answer will start to address your values, like integrity, honesty, honor, royalty, and so on. If you really want to get an A on the question, your will then go into your spirituality, what you believe, and how you relate to a bigger force or divine order. Every layer of your answer will only leave you with more questions, and if you answer this question correctly, you should have a lot questions unanswered. This is exactly what happened to me and this is what started my self-discovery journey that I am on, and this is why I am here to share with you.
The Journey to Self-Discovery
When I started this blog, I was so enthusiastic about sharing my journey, journey of coming from surviving to thriving. I wanted to encourage others about healing from trauma, and as I was sharing I quickly realized that I only glazed the surface myself and I didn’t really know fully what I was talking about, because I had too built-on an illusion. What I thought I knew was false to a deeper degree, and so I stopped writing for a time, and I went on a journey of finding the truth. As I was digging for truth I slowly found myself. My journey to self-discovery was to answer the “Who are you question”. I understood why the trauma I suffered was so deep, and why my identity crisis was there. I found out that I was lost, so lost in the illusion to the highest degree. My spirituality crumbled. Something that had kept my illusions together like glue fell apart. I was devastated! At the same time my prayers were being answered. Finding the truth, so that I can be free at last.
Seek and You Will Find
I invested in a program with someone I have known for over a decade. He is fitness guru and motivational professional. I embarked on this journey in December of 2020 without knowing what I was going to find out. At that time, everything around me was going wrong. My health and wellness was declining, my relationships in a dump, and although I have businesses and money coming in, my financial health was not good at all. Sometimes things look really good on the outside, but once you start peeling the layers, its like a stinky onion. I knew that I needed to change something. So I invested in this 90 day program seeking a balanced life. I didn’t know what to expect, but I was desperate for ideas, a change, advice, anything at all. The Program covered Health and Wellness, Relationships, and Wealth and Wellness. 21 days in I added in a Spiritual component, because this is something that is important to me. What I am getting at is that if you seek you will find. The key here is to seek and to do the work necessary for a better outcome.
To Get to Truth, You Must Ask Questions
I guess one can ask, what is truth, and how do you know that what you believe is truth? This is a very hard question to answer and this is the question that I asked myself. In my journey of self-restoration and finding balance, my daily exercises forced me to start asking questions and digging a little deeper. I soon realized that I have been a sheep. Just like the waives of the sea, I have been taken here and there, and once I never questioned what I was taught. I have been accused of being naïve, and this was true up until I started to question everything. I questioned my spirituality, where did it come from, how can I possibly believe that it is true? What is the Bible and where did it come from? Who is Jesus, and why have I trusted my life to Him? I then asked question about me. My race, were I come from, why are my people so hated? Why don’t I fit in? Why do I still feel like something is missing? What is missing? Then I started looking at my relationships? Why am I attracted to white men? Why don’t I go out of my way to make friendships with the people of my race? What are the reasons why I hated myself. Where did these ideas come from? Then I asked about my wealth. Why am I not financially independent? What is my financial blueprint? Why, am I not supporting others like me…black women in business? What is worth for a man to gain the entire world but lose his soul? Why haven’t I returned home? How about My Mother’s land? What are my responsibilities as they relate to my roots?
Your Turn~ Who are you?
What questions do you ask yourself about your identity? What are your answers? I have taken sometime to fully understand that you cannot possibly heal from trauma without answering key questions as they relate to your identity. I also know that I am not the only one who suffers from identity crisis, but I think that most of us deal with this issue. There is a deeper root issue that I uncovered. Stay with the blog to learn what it is. You can also read about the next topic here. It is not a new discovery issue, but rather something my eyes were opened to via this journey. I was able to understand who I am and where I came from. I was also able to find the deceptions and lies that I shaped my illusions.
